[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.