Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Me :
All Day At Night
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.