My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.