[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.