i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Seas the day!!!!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Always leave them wanting their money back.