When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.