What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang