I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit