Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born