Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I ate everything, including the H.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?