Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
You Might Also Like
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Well, this certainly took a turn
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair