“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
You Might Also Like
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.