If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I am never leaving this website
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.