I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
they really do be looking like this
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Writing, She Murdered.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends