On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder