The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*