when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
the battle rages on
Education is vital
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I hope this email finds you in a well
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
All set.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.