BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I am patiently waiting for your email
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.