What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*