My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine