who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Called it
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I told my vodka about you.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent