me: your honor, may I approach?
judge: yes
me: my tummy hurts
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Confused owl: What?!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.