I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
can’t bark with your mouth full
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I just love that new Pope smell.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating