Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
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TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly