Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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#Caturday
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us