Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?