Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
wut hotdog?
The old gods are rising again.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job