23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Need WebMD
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.