my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring