Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.