Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Is this a threat?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.