Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!