Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Meow?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient