I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.