If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE