[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
pictures of spider-man
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Carpe DM
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!