Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
You Might Also Like
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”