I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
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I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.