[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]