Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Selfie
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage