[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.