I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
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Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
#FunnyLife Insects
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”