i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Am I having a stroke?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
We have a winner.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.