Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Harsh but fair
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
HR said no more nunchucks.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours