Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call