CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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