One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
You Might Also Like
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work