If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
This is me
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.