To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I saw nothing
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
In Canada they just call them geese
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs