I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
multitasking lunch
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings